Your daughter has pimples, needs a bra, constantly checks herself in the mirror and challenges you on every rule you’ve ever established. Welcome to puberty.
While we all went through it, it’s not always easy to help our daughters navigate the many changes becoming a woman brings. Here are some helpful tips for guiding your daughter through this often-challenging phase of life. Recognize the signs of puberty. While puberty may start anywhere from age 8 to 13 for girls, the drama is universal as she matures not only physically but also intellectually, socially and emotionally. Luckily in girls there are many milestones along the way to let parents know what’s happening in advance. The first visible sign of puberty is the development of breast budding, in which the nipple raises from the chest. From that point, a girl usually starts her period within two years, says Dr.
Puberty For Girls Quiz
David Levine, assistant professor of pediatrics in the division of adolescent development at Morehouse School of Medicine. Levine recommends parents have an initial conversation about puberty when their daughter gets her first period, if not sooner, particularly if your child is asking questions about her body. “The first conversation may not be about pads, tampons, and may just be about a period. You don’t want to give information overload,” Levine says.
Use terms that she can understand, such as “vagina” versus “uterus.” Other physical changes include the appearance of pubic hair, pimples, and womanly curves. While all of these are normal, your child may not agree.
The parent’s goal should be to remind your daughter that the challenges of puberty are normal, even if her friends are going through these developments faster or slower than she is. Focus on strengths. As your daughter’s physical appearance changes, she will inevitably become more concerned with her looks and how her classmates perceive her. While this may not seem like the girl you know, it’s part of the puberty deal.
“It’s normal for teens to be preoccupied with what they look like,” says Dr. Krishna Upadhya, an assistant professor of pediatrics specializing in adolescent medicine at the Johns Hopkins Children’s Center. “What we can do as adults is to try to reassure them that things are normal. Focus on what their strengths are, not just appearance.” Reminding your daughter how good her body is at sports, for example, can help balance out her concern over her latest pimple.
No more “Because I said so.” “Along with the physical effects you see of puberty, what’s also being triggered at the same time is the large growth of new nerve connections in the brain during adolescence,” Levine says. With this neurological development comes the new ability to grasp more abstract reasoning, which means your child begins questioning instead of accepting everything. It’s important to be rational with your daughter, especially when she complains about life being unfair, Levine suggests. It’s nearly impossible to get away with “Because I said so” at this stage.
Just as you would use age-appropriate terms when your five-year-old asks you about sex, speak to the level of your 11-year-old family debate team member. “Meet the adolescent where she’s at,” Levine says. “It’s much better to explain what’s going on rather than setting the line in the sand.” For example, if your daughter complains about how her friends have later curfews, explain why your family has the given curfew and how you made that decision. Keep communication open. Be open to discussing all topics with your daughter, especially because her moments of sharing may be rare. Upadhya recommends having discussions about puberty and other awkward topics in the car. That way, your adolescent does not need to worry about direct eye contact, and may feel more comfortable asking questions and opening up.
Upadhya also recommends continuing family mealtime, which has been shown to contribute to healthier families. Time around the table provides a casual environment that isn’t focused on asking about “What’s going on with this boy?” This general time to talk is less intimidating for the adolescent. Be the parent. Your teen is not an adult yet, so she still needs a parent’s structure and guidance. “Parents should keep in mind that they are always going to be important. They shouldn’t take a hands-off approach. A lot of parents react that way,” Upadhya says.
The goal is to adjust parenting strategies to support your child’s burgeoning autonomy. Her push for autonomy doesn’t have to be a battle.
Pick up on her cues. If she needs privacy, give her some. The desire for privacy is normal, so honor it as much as you can. “You don’t have to ask for every single detail of everything that is going on if a teen seems hesitant,” Upadhya says. “It’s important to maintain an open relationship so if the teen wants to talk, they know their parents are there.” Rely on your pediatrician. Don’t hesitate to look to your pediatrician if you have any questions or concerns about your child’s development.
Keep in mind too that the pediatrician is a great support for your child as well. Doctors recommend that children around the age of 10 to 11 start having private discussions with their pediatrician as part of their regular visit.
Your daughter can speak with her doctor in his office before or after the physical exam. Allowing your child to speak individually with a medical professional is a great opportunity for her to ask any of those questions that may be embarrassing to ask in front of her parents. It also gives your daughter the opportunity to start taking charge of her health. Recognize when something is amiss. Most adolescents survive this stage in their life just fine, but parents still need to be observant of any drastic change in their daughter’s behavior or personality. Things to look out for: if your daughter withdraws from all activities she liked to do previously or can’t get out of bed even if she went to bed at a regular time; if she loses a lot of weight or her period stops.
Any major change that gives you an uneasy feeling is worth a call to the pediatrician. “Sometimes it may be age appropriate, but pediatricians can sit down and discuss with parents what the parents are worried about,” Levine says. The trick to helping your child is to reach back to your own childhood, your own memories of adolescence, Levine recommends.
That way you can better try to relate to your daughter and consider how you would have handled this developmental journey with what you know now. With your support and reassurance, your daughter can get through puberty feeling empowered and ready for the next new challenge life will bring. Laura Lewis Brown caught the writing bug as soon as she could hold a pen. For several years, she wrote a national online column on relationships, and now teaches writing as an adjunct professor.
She lives in Baltimore with her husband and three young children, who give her a lot of material for her blog, EarlyMorningMom.com.